Five People, One Bathroom

I don't know much about the house we will eventually move to, but I do know one thing: it will have more than one bathroom, preferably at least two full bathrooms and a half bath. One is just not enough for five people. Nearly every day someone in our family needs to use the bathroom but finds it already occupied.

Our bathroom deficiency didn't become a problem until a couple of years ago when the twins switched from potty chairs to the toilet. The person who has been inconvenienced the most is Tab, who likes to read the paper in there every morning. I sometimes joke that he spends twenty minutes sitting in there, but, really, I'm not exaggerating by much.

Twice this past week, Tab was so occupied when Stephen needed to use the bathroom. Four or five days ago, I heard a strange sound in the back hallway, like rain hitting gravel. Upon investigation, I discovered Stephen casually urinating into one of the cats' litter boxes.

"What are you doing?" I shrieked.

"Daddy was on the toilet," he said, pulling his pants back up. "And I really had to pee."

Well. I explained to him that peeing in the litter box was not acceptable under any circumstances.

This morning Stephen once again needed to use the bathroom when Tab was in there. He tried knocking, only to be told to wait. He wandered back into the kitchen and stood there fidgeting. After a few minutes, he whispered to me, "Mama, I really have to go!"

"OK, honey, let me see if Daddy is done." I walked back to the bathroom door, listened to the sound of newspapers rustling, and then knocked.

"Tab, are you almost done? Stephen needs to go. "

"For crying out loud, why didn't he go earlier?" asked Tab, flushing the toilet and emerging. "He's been awake and down here for an hour!"

"Well, maybe he didn't have to go, earlier," I said, starting to feel annoyed.

"No, he's just lazy. Lazy and slothful."

Redundant, I thought, but didn't say. Instead, I continued, "You know, if it takes you twenty minutes to finish in the bathroom, maybe you have a problem and should see your doctor."

"I have a ritual. That's where I read the paper."

"Well, gee, I'd like to hide out for twenty minutes every morning, reading the paper!"

"Well, maybe I'd like to lie on the couch for an hour, reading a book!"

"I don't do that!"

"Sure you did. Yesterday afternoon."

"That doesn't count. I was feeling sick."

"Uh huh."

We ended the conversation before it degenerated even further. Later, I talked to Stephen and reminded him to try to get to the bathroom before Daddy in the morning.

"One of these days it won't be a problem, honey. In the meantime, just remember to use the bathroom first thing when you get up in the morning. And don't even think about using the cat box again!"

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