Watching: The sky. Tab is shooting a wedding this afternoon, and he is concerned because the weather forecasts have been calling for rain all day. So far there's no sign of it. In fact there is quite a bit of blue sky visible, though it is a strange shade, kind of an opaque blue.

Performance Anxiety

Tab loves cashews. He especially loves eating cashews and washing them down with cream soda. But it has to be red cream soda, which is almost impossible to find these days. In fact in the eleven years we've lived together, I've searched in vain every year for red cream soda to accompany the tin of cashews I usually give him at Christmas. So it was a wonderful surprise when our neighbor Miss Jean, who knew about Tab's love for red cream soda, presented him with a bottle of the stuff on Thursday. She has found a beverage outlet in Pennsylvania that sells it.

Last night Tab made a special trip to the store to buy some cashews, then he settled down for an almost orgasmic experience of eating cashews and drinking red cream soda. He let me try some; frankly, I couldn't taste the difference between it and the ordinary brown cream soda. But he insists it's better. Must be that carcinogenic red dye that makes it taste so good to him.

1:30 p.m. Matthew woke up crying at 6 o'clock this morning. He claimed he was coughing, so I blearily stumbled downstairs to the kitchen and brought him a dose of cough medicine. I tried going back to sleep, but he began crying again at 6:30, saying he dropped one of his cars. I picked it up for him and told him to go back to sleep, but no sooner did I get back to bed then he was crying about something else. I gave up the hope of sleeping past 7 and instead got them both up. Tab was furious with Matthew for waking us up so early. I sent Tab back to bed to get some rest since he has a wedding today.

I brought the boys downstairs. No kids shows are on PBS on Saturdays until 7 a.m. I told them they had to sit quietly on the couch. "It's too early to be up," I said. "You're not going to play or watch TV. You're just going to sit on the couch until 7 o'clock." Then I curled up on the loveseat with an afghan and my Cordwainer Smith anthology, The Rediscovery of Man. I managed to finish three stories while the boys stayed there, surprisingly obedient. Stephen looked at Curious George, and Matthew lay down, holding his stuffed dolphin. At 7:15, I allowed them to turn on Sesame Street. I hope that this experience will keep them from waking us up early tomorrow. I'd really love to sleep until at least 7:30 on the weekends.

Tab did go back to bed where he drifted in and out of sleep until about 10:30. He's a much lighter sleeper than I am; the only thing that wakes me up is the sound of one of the boys crying. Lorraine's shouting and cursing at her dogs next door and the noise of the garbage truck going up and down our street kept him from a sound sleep, but he did get to doze for awhile. I'm glad he got a little more rest. He will be heading out at 2 p.m. to shoot a wedding. He is keyed up and anxious as he always is before a wedding, despite the fact that he has done nearly a hundred. He reminds me of my sister, Lori, who was a track and cross country star in high school. She was one of the best runners on her team, nearly always coming in first, but she would be so nervous before each meet that she would often throw up. Once Lori started running she would be fine, just as Tab will be as soon as he gets there and starts shooting.

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