Reading: The next Cordwainer Smith story, "Golden the Ships Were--Oh, Oh, Oh!"

Watching: With Daniel, The Ten Commandments, a movie I always like to watch on Easter. In a film full of overwrought dialogue, the best campy line has to be that of Anne Baxter (Nefritiri) to Charlton Heston (Moses): "Oh, Moses, Moses. You stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!"

Daniel is 6

Today was a big day for us. Not only is it Easter, but it is also Daniel's sixth birthday. He was born on a Sunday back in 1993, but that year April 4 was Palm Sunday rather than Easter. I remember a very long painful labor followed by the most profound joy I had ever known up till then. The feeling of his wet little body slithering free of mine was indescribably wonderful.

As exhilarated as I was to have my longed-for baby in my arms, however, I mourned the loss of the baby inside me. Even then, I realized that birth was just the first step in the long process of separation. The baby born six years ago today was soon replaced by an active, curious toddler, who himself has been replaced by a tall, leggy kindergartner. Daniel, my affectionate, intelligent, creative son: I love you more than I can ever say. I love you now as I loved your earlier incarnations who stayed for all too short a while.

Matthew was under the impression that he and Stephen are four, now that Daniel has turned six. He was disappointed when I told him he must wait until August.

The boys enjoyed looking for their Easter baskets. Mr. Byron and Miss Samantha also brought over Easter baskets for the them, beribboned monstrosities packed with all sorts of sugary delights. Miss Jean and Miss Diane had a few treats for the boys as well, as did Stephanie, who arrived this afternoon with three more baskets for them.

We held an Easter egg hunt for the boys in Nana's back yard. Tab drove there first and hid the eggs while I walked the boys over. They had a great time. Daniel was the champion egg-finder, picking up one egg, then dashing off to find the next one. Stephen and Matthew were more likely to stop as soon as they found one, open it, and exclaim over the contents (M&Ms or pennies).

I really wanted to enjoy today. I wanted to rejoice in the promise of Easter and delight in the boys' excitement. But Tab has been a terrible mood for most of the past week, and if he is upset he manages to bring me down with his biting sarcasm. I tried, I really tried to maintain a cheerful outlook, but by mid-afternoon I gave up the effort. I don't know what is wrong with him. I'm starting to think he is clinically depressed. I wonder if I can get him to see someone.

Is depression anger turned inward or is anger depression turned outward? There is doubtlessly some kind of connection because whenever he is in one of his moods, he is easily angered by every little thing. Last night he was furious with Stephen, and I had to intervene to keep him from doing something he might later regret. Then he was angry with me the rest of the night because of it. I don't know how much longer we can go on like this.

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